oh the simple things...

 

Sometimes I overlook the simple things that make us happy. The other day, I might have had possibly the best date ever with Matt and we really didn't do much to achieve it. 

It was one of those days where it was ungodly hot out, and instead of being AC bums we decided to actually enjoy the day together and played outside. even through the immense heat, we played catch and even took a walk around the lake. That wasn't even the best part! Once we were all hot and sticky, we sat beneath a tree in the shade and looked at clouds, something I personally haven't done since childhood.

It was amazing! seriously, the simplest things are what makes me truly happy. When things get rough or I'm stressed out between work and school, I just need to remember this day, and remind myself that the simple joys in life are what I need to be happy.

Beauty after it storms

I'm being silly

Sometimes I think I'm too self destructive. Not in the I do drugs and drink excessively type of self destructive, more so I get in my own way and ruin my own happiness. I think a lot of people do this, its in "our nature," I just wish I wasn't one of those people......
Right now I should be incredibly happy, things are where they are supposed to be. or actually, they are where things SHOULD have been if IDK certain events hadn't happened.  things are "perfect" right now, so why am I questioning things? for once he's actually "mine" I don't have to share him with someone, I have a fair shot and he's trying to be good to me. I have everything i've wanted, and ironically in some way I'm not sure if its really what I want....
It's me being a pussy and getting scarred. SIMPLE AS THAT.


It goes back to me being self destructive, I'm scarred to let things get good, I have this "irrational" fear that once I let him back in and let down my walls that he'll be a dick again and hurt me. Because of my fear, I do dumb stuff and let things ruin us.

Like tonight, things were PERFECT.  We had a good night/day and as he was leaving I decided to give him part of his birthday present. I grabbed the gift card that was hiding in a note from him and then BAM, seeing something on the note triggered everything. It's dumb, I know, but seeing it made me realize that there is still a lot of things out there that i know he's lied about to me. It isn't something new, I know he's lied, but I guess seeing it brings up all these unresolved feelings?
I don't even have the balls to tell him that i'm bothered, mainly because if I do, he might not keep trying to fix things with me.

I'm being "silly" and rambling.

Buckingham Fountain

Walking the streets

da bean

Just got back....

From Chicago! I spent the weekend there with Matt and had a really great time. I seriously love the city so much that I hope (someday) to live there. One can only dream, I'll post some pics soon :)

Happy Easter

As you can tell, its Easter. Woo hew, I get to celebrate with family!!! NOT, jk I'm stuck working. Sometimes working for an organization that has religious beliefs opposite of yours isn't beneficial. I shouldn't really complain though, its not like I practice a religion, or my family cares about real family holidays.

It's not like we didn't when my brother and I were younger, though. We did, we did all the normal events for most holidays; extravagant dinners, Easter Egg hunts, x-mas stockings, etc etc. I guess as we got older, the importance of family functions, lost their appeal.  The value of the traditions are there, I know what they are and I see the importance of it, I just don't get to experience them. bummer, I know. I truly don't feel like I've missed out on anything though, because well, growing up I sort of latched on to other people to gain the experiences i was missing out on. Prime example, is Brandon. We dated for 8 years off and on, and through that I got to see and experience what "real" family traditions were about. I kind of miss it. In some shape and form, his family was my family.
lately, I don't know if its because of the things that have been going on in my life, or some unresolved feelings, but I've been thinking about him a lot.  I shouldn't, but for some reason he's been on my mind a lot lately.  I think a lot of it has to deal with my current relationship. Things are rocky, and I kind of just wish that Matt was more like Brandon....Is that bad? It's not like I want him to be 100% like him, just i guess some characteristics. actually, one big trait, and that's just IDK committing and letting me feel secure with it.

That's another day though, and another story with even more incoherent rambling